i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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