i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
