Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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