What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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