I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
