We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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