I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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