So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
