I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
