you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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