Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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