i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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