I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize