i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
