These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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