ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
