woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
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