just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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