Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
