she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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