the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
