Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
why is half of my head shaved?
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