What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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