I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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