My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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