You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
