So drunk its hurt
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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