I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
