Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize