i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
