you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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