So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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