The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
