I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
