i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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