I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
