I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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