I met the friendliest cop last night
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
