the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
