I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
