When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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