Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
