my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
