she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
