dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
