I think i sorta joined a cult last night
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
