Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
