I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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