I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
