I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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