I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm having to shit out rocks
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
