So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
