My cat gives me a boner
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
