You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
