He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the condom got lost in my hair
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
