I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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